I dream....

Last night I was looking over a couple of pictures from a couple of years back and I suddenly realized I had this crush on a girl I met. She liked all the same bands I did, she liked all the same films I liked, she had read all the books I have read and we both had the same idea of right and wrong. I liked her....and I think she liked me. But for once in my life I decided to play it cool, instead of going all out and blowing it all. But sadly that was what happened. I blew it all. That being said, we never did meet much. I actually saw here like once or twice a year, but everytime I saw or heard someone mention here I got all nervous and butterflies started fluttering in my stomach. I have had this feeling before, and I realize now that it was love. Then she moved away to the other side of the country and the story ended. We where friends and all, but I would just love to get to know her better. The perfect one that got away. Just another in the line of dreamgirls that I would never end up with and just spend drunken evenings and sleepless nights tourmenting myself over.

And I actually think that is part of my problem. Instead of lamenting myself over what is lost, I still think of those "what if" ladies that are now out of my life. I see them all from time to time, but it's always a bit of an emmotional struggle inside me. And I think that somehow might keep me from retaining focus and seek for another that I finally likes me in the same matter that I like them. More or less my mission impossible, but seeing as there are couples everywhere I turn these days, I can't be that fracking hard? I'd like to think Im not so repulsive that there is simply no one out there that stand me, someone that I could really love back. I mean sure, everyone can find something to share their life with, but I dont want to feel like Im just settling for something. By all means not just the first thing I come across, being the simplest. Im a probably not a very simple being, but Im not that complicated. A settlement is a defeat in my eyes. Maby that's just me....

On a closing point, Im turning 24 next friday, and it's not really an event I looking forward too. One year older, one more step towards the end, with no direction. But maby thats a good thing...

A crack in the wall, I smell the air,
The life rushing by on the outside
I would want it if I could care
But I'm not on the life ride

Shadows dancing on my wall
A testament to life out there
Though Im not in them at all
Sitting all alone in here

Whats the point, whats the deal
Who will live, it all seems unreal
What will happen, who will fall
Who is left afterall

Life has not really improved

I'm such a failure. I cant for the life of me get a woman. Not that I have really tried. But I guess that is the main problem here. I don't really try...ever. I chicken out always as the last minute and I don't seem to have the balls to approach anyone that I really could fancy. It's not that Im ugly or anything. I have broken my fair share of hearts up trough the years. The main issue is that I really cant pick up the signals when a woman really has an intrest in me. And when I do, the girls is more than often so repulsive I just shut her down.

All in all I have a real issue at hand here. I want a woman I can respect, that can challenge me intellectually, that can be my best friend and my lover. I want a woman I can have a fight with and get together with. I want one that can see the same movies as I do, withouth sighing and whining about how crappy the film was. I want a soulmate, even though I am a firm believer that there is not thing as a soul. I want the dreamgirl that still yet has to appear.

I guess Im not the most social being around. I really dont like meeting new people, and I tend to keep to myself. But that I something I really want to change. I know a lot of really social people, that tend to connect with anything they come across, making friends where ever they go. I guess we are all different:/

As a final note, I want to add that both the two adds on this blogg [as well as the ones to come] most likely will be written under heavy intoxication of alchohol, as this appears to be the best time to whine about the complete stupidity of life. And so I'd like to appologice as there might be a series of horrible gramatical and spelling errors. English is not my first language as Im born and raised in Norway, but it's the best I can do while hammered. As for life, it's a sad ride, showing you all the stuff you could have had, while in reality you can't have anything.